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theres always something

when things are good theres always something bad thats got to happen to take me down a couple peggs

my keys are nowhere to be found, gone forever, sux balls.

im glad im gunna have to pay that fee to replace my dorm key, especially when ive got no cash

on the bright side, ummmm… Raquel, just plane fantastic, i mean real fabulous.  ive really got to make some serious moves on that soon

been a while

since ive posted anything, dougs got a beef with me for some odd reason, and school isnt as easy as i thought to stay on top of.  otherwise im really good; i feel a momentary peace with myself.  im super happy.

no need for code names, ive embarased myself lol.  its funny haha this chick laur who i have a brief history with was trying to hook me up with her suite mate today. sorta weird, but im also sorta interested.  gears 2 on insane-im gaining on it.

on the shore

made a few friends on the shore the other day, family of a friend.  i had alot of fun.  theres this girl, i got her number.  havent thought of a code name for her yet, but ill figure it out.  shes gorgeous, a real doll.  anywho, class in 30, and im ready.

at the school again

ive only got 4 classes this, my last semester.  i think ive got to shoot way higher than normal to do well in them.

ive made a pack of cigarettes last for days.

my tin purchases are going back down to one a week.

my top priority is to bring athletic apperal up here so i can run and work out.

making many new friends.

i just dont care, but at the same time care a real lot. its somthing ive never felt before.  i suppose im growing up right?

i dunno, this was pointless

jack pot

my sister found a cache of old cds we used to listen to and i cant tell you how happy i am about it.  a whole bunch of warped tour discs and a lot of punk and ska.

ripping them as we speak.

so i may as well mention this as its been on my mind quite frequently for the past month or so; ive got my eye on this girl, who i really dont even know.  she goes to my university, and she runns alot.  o yea, and shes super cute.

i guess i never though about her before cuse i was too caught up in May and all her BS, dating her and after dating her.  im making a pact with myself to talk to this girl the first chance i get, and not drunk either.

a late tidbit

so heres a late little tidbit, a few hours after that last rant i went on, May actually calls me.  yea, kind fucked up right?  she apologizes about everything, admits shes a whore, the whole nine yards.  even more fucked up right?  i didnt see this comming, not ever.  point is the bitch is finally starting to be honest, finally starting to be a decent person when it comes to relationships.  i urged her to give her new dude a second chance and to not fuck things up by putting more notches on her bed post.  she wanted to meet up for coffee or something and i told her maybe, ordinarily i would politly decline, but i feel like her apology brought the closure that i needed to our relationship.

she was saying that she never should have broken up with me to begin with, and that everything was her fault.  for some reason i feel so much better when im blameless.

in other news, i blew a whole bunch of money on friday and am still not sure what i think about it.  hope my pops got that cashola for me from selling my old gocart.

Truth

Im big on truth, truths, telling the truth, honesty… you see where im going with this? i dislike being lied to, dishonesty, and so on.  i can handle the bending of the truth to a degree, like omitting small facts to make a story sound better or not so bad, but what i really truly cannot handle is when i ask some one a direct, straight forward question and they lie to me straight to my face.  now, with May, i just keep finding out more and more things like this.

let me give you a little background:  in a 2 to 3 year relationship, one where i put my one hundred percent complete trust in her, believed every word she told me.  i asked, on occasion, “have you ever cheated on me” and i got no’s.  after breaks, i would ask “were you with any other guys?” and i would get no’s.  only to find out that she had infact cheated on me when we ended our relationship, and you know what? at that point i was still willing to forgive, forgive and completly forget to the best of my ability.  i probably should have gotten the hint when we were having a conversation about how many people we had each been with, something that i figured she would have remembered because we definatly talked about it before.  maybe she was testing me, i dont know, the point is when i told her the number, she said “thats it?” or something to that effect, and when i asked her back, she hesitated.  i guess that should have been the tip off, but i was willing to love blindly.

Up untill this point, ive been good about not reading May’s online journal; she asked me not to and i complied.  tonight something made me decide to read it, maybe it was deleting all my old voicemails that i had saved, maybe it was something else.  upon reading, i found this:

“Now I know what I did to Michael, and that makes me feel like the most terrible person alive.” — an online journal that shant be named for privacy reasons

upon reading this, i though that maybe she understands now, maybe she understands how she ripped my heart out.  i decided to read more and found this:

“i was the girl who went on “breaks” when i dated michael.

it was my way to sort of not cheat on him for the 3 years we were hopelessly attached at the hip, but still hook up with everyone i wanted to.

break one was about 6 guys. break two was about 5. break 3 was about 5. etc.” —same annonamous journal

so yea, that makes me feel great.  i mean makes me feel super.  normally my anger about these sorts of things will quickly turn to a deep sadness, and feelings of inadiquacy, but you know what, not this time.  not this time around.  this shit is unfogivable.  this is a mortal sin against ME.  it makes me happy we broke up, sad we didnt break up sooner, angry we even dated at all.  im pretty sure that i am only attracted to whores.  that has to be the explanation.  my question is, how do you do that to somebody?, how do you do that to the person who cares most about you?, how do you do it to that person when you know that lieing is what he hates the most?  some people dont care.  i guess the moral of the story is that no matter how bad i felt, writing it down is making me feel better about it.

im doin fine

right now i feel good about how i am doing.  weird right? i guess ive just never felt this way before, like im heading in a good direction.  ive been taking care of my leftover school bits at the office, my boss volunteered to be my slave driver, it works well, when im cramped in a cubical all day with a computer and my research in front of me, time passes and at the end of the day, work appears. im about half wat through with the stuff i gotta do.  kinda droped the ball today with emails, but i will take care of it.  time to go socialize.